Sunday Stories - Bob's Story, Part 2

At fifteen, I was introduced to recovery from the disease of addiction. I first heard the message of hope in a Hospital's and Institution's presentation and started going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings when I graduated treatment. As pat of my after-care plan I went to an adolescent Psychologist for years. I was diagnosed obsessive-compulsive, narcissistic and conduct disorder; or should I say I was misdiagnosed and just really an addict with untreated addiction? I was told that my drug problem was a result or reaction to my underlying mental health problems. Either way, I worked through many issues from my childhood with the wonderful, caring, empathetic woman. She did not believe in labels because they can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy and stripped the harmful label of 'addict' from my vocabulary. I was now normal and pretty well adjusted and should be able to use the way others do. That began a 16 year run, of what started out as a party, became a living nightmare, and ultimately slavery.

For the next 16 years, in my active addiction, I tried real hard to use socially. After all, I believed I was not an addict; I just had a problem with specific drugs. Every time my use became unmanageable with one I would put it down ad pick up the next one. My drug of choice really depended on what era of my life you are talking about because in the end, I used and abused them all. The common denominator in all of them was me. My true drug of choice is 'MORE'! I started out smoking marijuana, to benzodiazepines, to smoking cocaine to Ecstasy, to prescription opioids and benzodiazepines, to methamphetamines to finally, heroin. In the end, I became a complete and utter slave to my addiction. I understood first hand the progressive nature of addiction, and 'the bitter ends - jail, institutions or death...' (Narcotics Anonymous, Basic Text, pg. 84)

After a decade of pain, suffering and loss I still could not stop. I went to residential treatment centers, outpatient, intensive-outpatient, detoxification, and incarceration, nothing worked. The disease claimed many lives of those closest to me. My childhood friend, Jay, at the age of ten was shot and killed, my best friend Scott, at sixteen, hung himself. My good friend Ian, at 26 found dead of an overdose, my girlfriend, Lucie, found dead in an abandoned building at the age of 30. My wife, Amy, at 27 died in my arms of an overdose and I still could not stop using. Drugs were my coping mechanism and I used because I hated myself and I hated the way I felt. I was trapped! I resided myself to a place of complete and total hopelessness. I wanted to die because in my mind then I could reunite with my wife. I did not believe addicts like me got better, I believed addicts like me, overdose and die. I believed I was going to be found dead in a bathroom and that was fine with me.

Come back next week for part 3 of this powerful story of recovery!

Feed Me Friday - Grill it up and Fear

 Food for your soul -

 

Food for your body:

I was recently on vacation and my brother-in-law grilled dinner. This is a salmon recipe close to what he made. He also marinated some asparagus, zucchini and squash then grilled them. (squash and zucchini sliced about 1/4 inch thick) You can marinate your vegys in what ever flavor you like. I use salad dressing a lot for this - sesame ginger, balsamic vinaigrette, Italian, etc... use your imagination!!

From the Betty Crocker website

For the recipe click here:  Grilled Lemon Salmon Packets 

Work it Wednesday - Step 7, Part 2

First a quick review:

Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable. 

Step 2 - Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
Step 4 - We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Step 5 - Admit to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.



Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

 

From Meditations for Street Chicks Step 7 booklet
available on our website - click the link to the right

 

Sunday Stories - Bob's Story, Part 1

I was born and raised in Miami, Florida, an only child, feeling different and that I never had enough. My parents were both immigrants to this country; my mother is from Seoul, Korea and my father from Heidelberg, Germany. Growing up I was a straight A student and was told that B's were for bums. I was held to an ideal of perfection and this unrealistic expectation became ingrained from childhood. As an adolescent growing up and in school I can remember feeling different and getting teased because my eyes were not as round as yours. I have no brothers or sisters and grew up in an upper middle class family and never wanted for anything materially. I can remember being alone a lot and not having my emotional needs met by my peers or my parents. My parents witnessed this and over-compensated by buying me anything and everything that I wanted. No matter how many toys I had, it was never enough. I stole toys from other children in the neighborhood if they had something that I wanted or did not have. I had established a sense of entitlement from very early on. I was developing all of the traits of the King Baby personality (Hazelden, 1986).

'His majesty, the Baby' was first introduced to drugs at the age of seven. I wanted to be accepted by my peers in the neighborhood, and they were in junior high, and smoking marijuana. This was my first introduction to drugs, and the feeling I remember more than anything else was acceptance. I was finally a part of, I liked it and I sought out approval seeking behaviors and became a people please. I had become a daily drug user in early adolescence and crippled myself emotionally. I never learned how to feel or to deal with difficult emotions. I learned from very early on that if I use this, that does not look or feel so bad. Drugs had become a solution from a very early age and I needed them in my life to make me feel better. So, I had to learn how to have them at all times and I started selling marijuana. Once engaged in this behavior, people treated me differently again. They were nice to me because I had something they wanted, I once again felt accepted. Character defects like power, control and manipulation really took hold and were given an opportunity to thrive. This behavior continued until the age of sixteen when I was arrested for the first of many felony possessions of marijuana charges. My parents stepped in, hired the best attorney money could buy, because I was entitled to that, and I went to rehab for the first of six treatment episodes.

Work it Wednesday - Step 7, Part 1

First a quick review:

Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable. 

Step 2 - Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
Step 4 - We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Step 5 - Admit to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

and for the month of July - Step 7 - Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings

From Meditations for Street Chicks Step Seven booklet available through our website - click the link to the right

After having taken a personal inventory of myself, I shared it with God and another human being. Am I now ready to have God remove all these defects of character? If my answer is yes, I humbly as God to remove them. 'Them' are all of the things I found objectionable in my inventory. 

In this step I surrender to the "surgery of God" and ask God to remove these defects of character. I do this with a sincere and humble heart, knowing that only in such a way can I find my path to true sanity and peace. This may also mean action on my part in getting rid of sources that lead me to addictive behaviors. If it is my pride that makes me believe that I can still live with these sources of temptation, then the sources need to go along with my pride. I rid my life of those things, people or situations that are causing me to fall or stumble as far as I can do so in a responsible manner. 

This prayer is good whether you say it from jail or else where!

From Meditations for Street Chicks Step Seven booklet available through our website - click the link to the right