Sunday Stories - Bob's Story, Part 2

At fifteen, I was introduced to recovery from the disease of addiction. I first heard the message of hope in a Hospital's and Institution's presentation and started going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings when I graduated treatment. As pat of my after-care plan I went to an adolescent Psychologist for years. I was diagnosed obsessive-compulsive, narcissistic and conduct disorder; or should I say I was misdiagnosed and just really an addict with untreated addiction? I was told that my drug problem was a result or reaction to my underlying mental health problems. Either way, I worked through many issues from my childhood with the wonderful, caring, empathetic woman. She did not believe in labels because they can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy and stripped the harmful label of 'addict' from my vocabulary. I was now normal and pretty well adjusted and should be able to use the way others do. That began a 16 year run, of what started out as a party, became a living nightmare, and ultimately slavery.

For the next 16 years, in my active addiction, I tried real hard to use socially. After all, I believed I was not an addict; I just had a problem with specific drugs. Every time my use became unmanageable with one I would put it down ad pick up the next one. My drug of choice really depended on what era of my life you are talking about because in the end, I used and abused them all. The common denominator in all of them was me. My true drug of choice is 'MORE'! I started out smoking marijuana, to benzodiazepines, to smoking cocaine to Ecstasy, to prescription opioids and benzodiazepines, to methamphetamines to finally, heroin. In the end, I became a complete and utter slave to my addiction. I understood first hand the progressive nature of addiction, and 'the bitter ends - jail, institutions or death...' (Narcotics Anonymous, Basic Text, pg. 84)

After a decade of pain, suffering and loss I still could not stop. I went to residential treatment centers, outpatient, intensive-outpatient, detoxification, and incarceration, nothing worked. The disease claimed many lives of those closest to me. My childhood friend, Jay, at the age of ten was shot and killed, my best friend Scott, at sixteen, hung himself. My good friend Ian, at 26 found dead of an overdose, my girlfriend, Lucie, found dead in an abandoned building at the age of 30. My wife, Amy, at 27 died in my arms of an overdose and I still could not stop using. Drugs were my coping mechanism and I used because I hated myself and I hated the way I felt. I was trapped! I resided myself to a place of complete and total hopelessness. I wanted to die because in my mind then I could reunite with my wife. I did not believe addicts like me got better, I believed addicts like me, overdose and die. I believed I was going to be found dead in a bathroom and that was fine with me.

Come back next week for part 3 of this powerful story of recovery!

Feed Me Friday - Grill it up and Fear

 Food for your soul -

 

Food for your body:

I was recently on vacation and my brother-in-law grilled dinner. This is a salmon recipe close to what he made. He also marinated some asparagus, zucchini and squash then grilled them. (squash and zucchini sliced about 1/4 inch thick) You can marinate your vegys in what ever flavor you like. I use salad dressing a lot for this - sesame ginger, balsamic vinaigrette, Italian, etc... use your imagination!!

From the Betty Crocker website

For the recipe click here:  Grilled Lemon Salmon Packets 

Work it Wednesday - Step 7, Part 2

First a quick review:

Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable. 

Step 2 - Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
Step 4 - We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Step 5 - Admit to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.



Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

 

From Meditations for Street Chicks Step 7 booklet
available on our website - click the link to the right

 

Sunday Stories - Bob's Story, Part 1

I was born and raised in Miami, Florida, an only child, feeling different and that I never had enough. My parents were both immigrants to this country; my mother is from Seoul, Korea and my father from Heidelberg, Germany. Growing up I was a straight A student and was told that B's were for bums. I was held to an ideal of perfection and this unrealistic expectation became ingrained from childhood. As an adolescent growing up and in school I can remember feeling different and getting teased because my eyes were not as round as yours. I have no brothers or sisters and grew up in an upper middle class family and never wanted for anything materially. I can remember being alone a lot and not having my emotional needs met by my peers or my parents. My parents witnessed this and over-compensated by buying me anything and everything that I wanted. No matter how many toys I had, it was never enough. I stole toys from other children in the neighborhood if they had something that I wanted or did not have. I had established a sense of entitlement from very early on. I was developing all of the traits of the King Baby personality (Hazelden, 1986).

'His majesty, the Baby' was first introduced to drugs at the age of seven. I wanted to be accepted by my peers in the neighborhood, and they were in junior high, and smoking marijuana. This was my first introduction to drugs, and the feeling I remember more than anything else was acceptance. I was finally a part of, I liked it and I sought out approval seeking behaviors and became a people please. I had become a daily drug user in early adolescence and crippled myself emotionally. I never learned how to feel or to deal with difficult emotions. I learned from very early on that if I use this, that does not look or feel so bad. Drugs had become a solution from a very early age and I needed them in my life to make me feel better. So, I had to learn how to have them at all times and I started selling marijuana. Once engaged in this behavior, people treated me differently again. They were nice to me because I had something they wanted, I once again felt accepted. Character defects like power, control and manipulation really took hold and were given an opportunity to thrive. This behavior continued until the age of sixteen when I was arrested for the first of many felony possessions of marijuana charges. My parents stepped in, hired the best attorney money could buy, because I was entitled to that, and I went to rehab for the first of six treatment episodes.

Work it Wednesday - Step 7, Part 1

First a quick review:

Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable. 

Step 2 - Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
Step 4 - We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Step 5 - Admit to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

and for the month of July - Step 7 - Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings

From Meditations for Street Chicks Step Seven booklet available through our website - click the link to the right

After having taken a personal inventory of myself, I shared it with God and another human being. Am I now ready to have God remove all these defects of character? If my answer is yes, I humbly as God to remove them. 'Them' are all of the things I found objectionable in my inventory. 

In this step I surrender to the "surgery of God" and ask God to remove these defects of character. I do this with a sincere and humble heart, knowing that only in such a way can I find my path to true sanity and peace. This may also mean action on my part in getting rid of sources that lead me to addictive behaviors. If it is my pride that makes me believe that I can still live with these sources of temptation, then the sources need to go along with my pride. I rid my life of those things, people or situations that are causing me to fall or stumble as far as I can do so in a responsible manner. 

This prayer is good whether you say it from jail or else where!

From Meditations for Street Chicks Step Seven booklet available through our website - click the link to the right

Sunday Stories - Kay's Story - the End & the Beginning!

Kay's story - the end and the beginning!

I also was prescribed a different anti-anxiety med and it started to dim the fear just a bit. I started to think it might actually work!

In December, my small group had a Christmas get together. I dreaded it. How can it be fun without drinking? I didn’t want to go, but did anyway and had a great time!  I also managed to help a friend have a game night at her house. I was nervous but it was fun. Christmas came and went and I made it through. I had managed to work all the steps with the help of my sponsor!  

The end of 2013 also meant the end of my step study. Now what was I going to do on Tuesday evenings?  I knew as soon as another step study started, I was going to do it again to work on all the other issues I had uncovered besides alcohol. Greg (the Director) called me couple of weeks before it was to start to let me know that one of the facilitators had to step down and he thought of me to fill the spot. WHAT??? I’m still messed up, I’m going to be IN the class. Pray about it he told me. So, I took the next couple of days to try and talk to my sponsor and a couple of other friends so that they would agree with me that it was too soon, no way could I do that just yet. I never managed to actually talk with anyone ‘live’. So, I said OK to Greg, the whole time inside thinking I was crazy!!!

I was scared to death before the first step study meeting and for the next couple. But, they actually went OK!  It got easier each week and I found myself actually looking forward to going!  The dimmer switched really moved up a notch.

I NOW look back on the year 2013 not as the year I merely existed, but as the year Jesus carried me just like the poem Footprints in the sand. I crawled into his arms like the statue, and he walked me through the year. 

2014 just melted in like 2013, but things started to happen.  I was actually enjoying things! I called people.I didn’t mind going to the grocery. I attend CR on Monday night now as well. I really enjoy my step study group and have made a whole bunch of new friends!  Against my internal voice telling me not to, I became a sponsor. I now notice and appreciate the little things in life, like a small child dancing in church on Sunday, and not be depressed thinking ‘my girls used to do that, and now they’re not with me’. I looked at a lot of things with a smile instead of regret. One Thursday night at Rated R for Recovery I a HUGE step. I didn’t just have John introduce me to Leslie from Street Chicks in Recovery, but I asked for a job! I found something to be passionate about. The dimmer is hitting high gear!!

To this day, I still wake up anxious about the day. The difference is, I read my devotionals (at least 2 if not 4 of them) as soon as I’m up and give my day to God. I also look up Bible verses that go with the devotionals and with the step we are on in group..  I don’t cry during the praise and worship songs any more, I sing them at the top of my lungs. Just ask anyone who sits in front of me!  Like the song goes, ‘I went to the enemy's camp and I took back what he stole from me’! The giant hole in my soul that I tried to fill all kinds of ways is filling in with the Holy Spirit!

BONUS - here is the video of the song Enemy's Camp - (ya gotta love a revival!)

I’m still scared that I’m going to fail or not be good enough for a lot of things, but try my best to Let go and Let God handle it. With his help, I’m getting stronger every day! I take my own inventory all the time and try to make amends immediately. I am also going to start going to yet another small group - the one for FOOD!  After that, I’ll consider stop smoking, but 1 habit at  time!! I am starting to feel like my old self, but better. I could not have done it without the fellowship of others and the holy spirit. 

While writing this last Saturday, I read one of my devotionals, The Daily Bread. The last paragraph said this ‘So, if you really want something to boast about, boast about Jesus and what He’s done for you. Look for opportunities to turn the spotlight on Him.’ and that’s what I hope I am now doing.

So, my 1 piece of advice to not only the newcomer, but to those of you who have been around and perhaps relapsed, or are just feeling overwhelmed is to keep coming back. If you do nothing else, keep coming back!  It may take a while, hopefully for you not an entire year like it took me, but it will eventually wear off on you! Don’t give up before the miracle happens!

Thank you, God Bless and GO GOD!!