Sunday Stories - Kay's Story - the End & the Beginning!

Kay's story - the end and the beginning!

I also was prescribed a different anti-anxiety med and it started to dim the fear just a bit. I started to think it might actually work!

In December, my small group had a Christmas get together. I dreaded it. How can it be fun without drinking? I didn’t want to go, but did anyway and had a great time!  I also managed to help a friend have a game night at her house. I was nervous but it was fun. Christmas came and went and I made it through. I had managed to work all the steps with the help of my sponsor!  

The end of 2013 also meant the end of my step study. Now what was I going to do on Tuesday evenings?  I knew as soon as another step study started, I was going to do it again to work on all the other issues I had uncovered besides alcohol. Greg (the Director) called me couple of weeks before it was to start to let me know that one of the facilitators had to step down and he thought of me to fill the spot. WHAT??? I’m still messed up, I’m going to be IN the class. Pray about it he told me. So, I took the next couple of days to try and talk to my sponsor and a couple of other friends so that they would agree with me that it was too soon, no way could I do that just yet. I never managed to actually talk with anyone ‘live’. So, I said OK to Greg, the whole time inside thinking I was crazy!!!

I was scared to death before the first step study meeting and for the next couple. But, they actually went OK!  It got easier each week and I found myself actually looking forward to going!  The dimmer switched really moved up a notch.

I NOW look back on the year 2013 not as the year I merely existed, but as the year Jesus carried me just like the poem Footprints in the sand. I crawled into his arms like the statue, and he walked me through the year. 

2014 just melted in like 2013, but things started to happen.  I was actually enjoying things! I called people.I didn’t mind going to the grocery. I attend CR on Monday night now as well. I really enjoy my step study group and have made a whole bunch of new friends!  Against my internal voice telling me not to, I became a sponsor. I now notice and appreciate the little things in life, like a small child dancing in church on Sunday, and not be depressed thinking ‘my girls used to do that, and now they’re not with me’. I looked at a lot of things with a smile instead of regret. One Thursday night at Rated R for Recovery I a HUGE step. I didn’t just have John introduce me to Leslie from Street Chicks in Recovery, but I asked for a job! I found something to be passionate about. The dimmer is hitting high gear!!

To this day, I still wake up anxious about the day. The difference is, I read my devotionals (at least 2 if not 4 of them) as soon as I’m up and give my day to God. I also look up Bible verses that go with the devotionals and with the step we are on in group..  I don’t cry during the praise and worship songs any more, I sing them at the top of my lungs. Just ask anyone who sits in front of me!  Like the song goes, ‘I went to the enemy's camp and I took back what he stole from me’! The giant hole in my soul that I tried to fill all kinds of ways is filling in with the Holy Spirit!

BONUS - here is the video of the song Enemy's Camp - (ya gotta love a revival!)

I’m still scared that I’m going to fail or not be good enough for a lot of things, but try my best to Let go and Let God handle it. With his help, I’m getting stronger every day! I take my own inventory all the time and try to make amends immediately. I am also going to start going to yet another small group - the one for FOOD!  After that, I’ll consider stop smoking, but 1 habit at  time!! I am starting to feel like my old self, but better. I could not have done it without the fellowship of others and the holy spirit. 

While writing this last Saturday, I read one of my devotionals, The Daily Bread. The last paragraph said this ‘So, if you really want something to boast about, boast about Jesus and what He’s done for you. Look for opportunities to turn the spotlight on Him.’ and that’s what I hope I am now doing.

So, my 1 piece of advice to not only the newcomer, but to those of you who have been around and perhaps relapsed, or are just feeling overwhelmed is to keep coming back. If you do nothing else, keep coming back!  It may take a while, hopefully for you not an entire year like it took me, but it will eventually wear off on you! Don’t give up before the miracle happens!

Thank you, God Bless and GO GOD!!