I was anxious, depressed and isolating. I had no idea who I was. I merely existed. I totally related to Psalm 6:2-3 ‘Pity me, O Lord, for I am weak. Heal me, for my body is sick and I am upset and disturbed. My mind is filled with apprehension and with gloom’. And with Job 30:27 ‘My heart is troubled and restless. Waves of affliction have come upon me’. I was a dead person walking. I would wake up each morning with a tight chest, and panicked about what I had to face that day, which was not usually much more than going to a meeting or blocking everything out by playing games on the computer or watching movies and things on TV I wouldn’t normally watch because everything reminded me of what I had lost. EVERYTHING made me nervous!!! It was especially bad when I had to go out into the world and interact with others. The WORST was when I was going to see my girls. I was ashamed, embarrassed, a failure, bad mother, loser, etc.
My Swiss cheese looking brain had trouble focusing on anything. My mantra became ‘I DON’T CARE’ That was the only way I could deal with what was happening - to pretend I didn’t care. I avoided everything I could! I shoved all feelings deep down and buried them with FOOD! I used to imagine a statue of Jesus that I saw of him sitting cross legged and would picture myself crawling in his arms so he would hold me like a baby. The one thing I wasn’t, was drunk! I used to drown my feelings in alcohol and now I was actually FEELING them. But I had a little faith - about the size of a mustard seed. Mark 9: 24 ‘I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief’!
I worked the steps not only with my step study group, but with my sponsor. I was REALLY uptight about the 4th and 5th step!!! I managed to write the 4th step and then tell her everything! A lot of what I had done she could relate to because she had been through the same thing, or something similar. If she hadn’t done it herself, she knew someone who had, or at least was very understanding!!! Although it was a HUGE relief to get that over with, I did not have the instant ah-ha moment others had talked about. Remember, I’m a dimmer switch. But I kept at it. I realized that God had forgiven me, but how could I possibly forgive myself?
At some point I mentioned in my Friday small group that I wanted to volunteer and next thing I knew I was working the literature table. About the same time, I drove a friend from my step study to her eye surgery. I not only had to drive, but I had to drive with another person in the car, then wait while she had her surgery - what was I going to do for an hour? - and drive her home. YIKES!! I even realized after dropping her off that I didn't even know her last name - how was I going to go back in to ask if she was done without knowing her last name? I not only survived, but have become close friends.
I even managed to send out a couple of resumes for jobs I thought I could tolerate. But instead of hoping they would call for an interview, I was terrified that they would! What would I say, what would I wear how would I do my hair? In reality, I didn’t want them to call, and they didn’t. I didn’t care!
When my mom said she was coming to visit in early December, I rolled my eyes and inwardly freaked out!! She had to stay at a hotel since I did not have a place of my own anymore, and she invited me and the girls to stay the weekend as well. I was NOT looking forward to this! I kept hoping something would come up in her life so that she couldn’t come. But she did. We have a tradition of baking a TON of Christmas cookies and that’s what she wanted to do. I just wanted to pretend Christmas didn’t matter and get it over with. But the girls came to the hotel and we baked. And we baked and baked. I remember at one point the tension easing up a bit. This was actually going OK! We even went out to dinner and I was OK with others in the restaurant having margaritas and beer with their Mexican food and me drinking water. All in all, I survived the weekend! And the dimmer switch turned up a bit more.
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