I went to Celebrate Recovery a few Fridays and attended church a couple of times on Sundays and really enjoyed it. It was when I was most relaxed and to prove it, my stomach would growl. There was a Labor Day picnic that year for CR and although I hate going to things like that by myself, especially when I don’t know anyone, I made myself go. Before I got out of my car, I prayed that God direct me to a table with someone who I could talk to and be of help to me. I ended up sitting next to the Director of CR, the worship leader for CR and two regular attenders. I didn’t really know them at the time, but they were all the ‘right’ people!
When my mom came to visit and had to stay in a hotel I was completely embarrassed and ashamed. I was the high achiever that had everything, and now I had nothing. My girls visited briefly, but it was just awkward and weird. After she left, I basically spent a week in bed. Yes, a week, not a day. I knew something was wrong. With the advice of my ex, my mom flew back down, I packed what little I could fit in my mustang along with my golden retriever and we drove to Ohio. I did not even see the girls before I left. I just knew I had to get out of there.
The day after we arrived at my childhood home, my dad had me over to Behavioral Connections for an evaluation. Everyone thought I would need in house treatment, but they put me in an intensive outpatient program. I did that 3 days a week, attended 3 AA meetings a week and church on Sat night. Other than that I laid on the couch and watched tv. I was in a deep depression - what kind of mom was I? who leaves her kids? Who picks alcohol over their children? I was also very anxious about everything! It made me nervous to even text my girls let alone call. Just before Christmas I got a letter from my ex’s attorney explaining that he had taken full custody of my girls. I was devastated!! They were my world! He said I had abandoned them. So when my 3 months were up of Intensive Outpatient, I decided to go back to Florida. I have always hated the cold weather, it was January, and my friend was out of jail, and I wanted to see my kids!
A day or two after getting back to Florida, to the same house I ran from, I went to the Wednesday Service at Grace Central. That night, I went to the altar and rededicated my life to Christ. Jepson prayed with me. I can’t tell you a single word he said, I just know it was right on! I joined the Step Group on Tuesdays and took my friend to AA meetings twice a week. I found my sponsor here on a Friday night and started working the steps with her as well. That’s all I did for about a year!!
Throughout the year, I was in the group, but with a scowl on my face. I didn’t want to go, didn’t want to do my homework, but knew i HAD to or I’d be right back to drinking and die! When someone in my group shared that her dog died and she felt better when she went to the Bible, I thought ‘good for you!’ but that wouldn’t work for me. Another lady started texting everyone she met uplifting messages, I thought, good for her! I enjoyed getting the text, but there is no way I would do that. One lady said that the Bible was the only self help book any one needed - I was doubtful! I did however, hear someone say that she had a normal childhood and had no one to blame for her drinking but herself - me too I thought. I managed to hear a least one little something that I could ‘use’.
Still, I prayed for God to remove me from the whole situation. I prayed for a do-over. I prayed to win Publisher’s Clearinghouse. Some nights I prayed to just wake up dead! I did not want to kill myself, I simply wanted to be dead. I felt empty, lonely, afraid, angry, horrible, etc. None of those prayers were answered over night like I wanted, but something (or someone) kept me coming back to Celebrate Recovery. Friday nights, Tuesday Step Study and church along with AA meetings. My dimmer switch was ever so slowly brightening! Mark 2: 17 says ‘Healthy people don’t need a doctor - sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners’. Celebrate Recovery is where I needed to be - I wanted what they had.
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