Sunday Stories - PAM E.

Hi I am Pam and I am a grateful Christ Follower recovering from abuse, codependency, abandonment, alcohol and anger. If not for the Mercy of our Lord and Savior, Celebrate Recovery, awesome sponsors, accountability partners, and Church Family I would not be standing here today.

I was born on Oct 24, 2009. That was the day I woke up in a turtle suit in the mental observation pod of the Ortiz Correction Facility. I spent 5 horrific days there before they moved me to general population. I knew immediately that my life had to change! I knew I could not do it on my own.  I prayed to God to take the taste of alcohol from my tongue and thought of it away from my mind and show me the direction my life had to take. How had I gotten here???

November 8th 1954. As the intensity of her labor pains increased, she knew it would all be worth it…a baby boy, the solution to everything! Her husband would be fulfilled and happy. This would repair her broken marriage all would be perfect. The big moment arrives!! Ta Da!! I was born…her third girl much to her dismay. My middle sister hated me because I destroyed her babydom.  To my oldest sister I was just one more thing she had to help with around the house. Dad was happy…a reason to celebrate!!!

There was always a high level of tension in our household. Mom had an explosive temper. You never knew when or what would set her off. We all walked on eggshells. It didn’t help that I was a sickly child. My Mom took a morning sickness pill that caused me major medical conditions throughout my life. Dad made sure he kept himself either busy, out of the house, or drunk. Sometimes he accomplished all three. Dad always had a bottle of happiness tucked away.  

My mother was my physical and sexual abuser. I learned early to escape into a quiet place in my mind. Shutting down reality became my best defense mechanism. Mom was a nurse and Dad a TV repairman. I spent work hours with a paid caregiver. She became my protector from the abuse of my middle sister. That was until my mother decided I was old enough for my sister to babysit me…I was 7. I lived in a constant state of fear between my mother and my sister. I had assigned duties to keep me busy. Dusting, sweeping, doing dishes, feeding and watering the chickens and so on when the chores were done my sister would lock me in the closet. This is when I starting feeling like a Princess…Cinderella.  

Dad and Mom had saved enough money to make a move up in the world. They opened a Television and Radio Sales and Repair Business. Mom kept the books, made sales, and Dad did his thing. Moves always make things better…right…not. I was alone with my sister much more and her abuse because more intense a least the pantry at this house had a window. Dad was fixing more than TVs when he made house calls. So when Mom caught him, her rage increased and so did Dad’s drinking.

Mom bought the local Dairy Bar to get away from Dad and the TV business. Mom worked so many hours she was exhausted most the time. What a blessing for me! I now had an out of the house job. I was eleven. My middle sister graduated and moved out!! More good news!!

After my oldest sister’s second baby, she suffered postpartum depression. She ran away and we got the kids. So I become a surrogate mother at 13. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise. At 15 I finally stood up to Mother to protect my niece and nephew. I settled into my adult childhood. I attended school, worked, and took care of the kids. I was still living a fairy tale life. At last my knight in shining armor showed up! He came from a large family so he didn’t mind that the kids had to go on dates with us. We fell deeply in love. And with perfect timing my sister came back. Wow things were looking up in my life! God answered my prayers!

He joined the Army in July 1972 and we got married in October a month before my eighteenth birthday!!! I was the happiest I had ever been. His first overseas assignment was Korea. We paid my way over. Life was beautiful. My oldest son was made in Korea. Albert was born stateside in March 1975 and 263 days later Daniel was born. Life was amazing!! More good news, we were going to Panama. What a beautiful country!!! My husband was moving up the ladder! Rubbing elbows with all the right people. He began to put together his paperwork for Warrant Officer. He came to a bump in the road. He needed special favors to help him get promoted and I became a bargaining chip. My storybook life fell apart. I had such low self-esteem, I did what he asked. At that moment I turned my back on God. I started smoking marijuana and drinking to cope with what was happening. I escaped into that quiet place in my head. If you don’t acknowledge it, it isn’t real. He got his promotion and we were assigned to Fort Huachuca, AZ. He was always TDY sometimes up to a month at a time, so I basically was a single mother. I became very active in the Officers Wives Club, the Warrant Wives Club, and Army Community Services. At night I would drink and smoke grass to ease the emptiness growing inside of me. I accepted the unfaithfulness and the loneliness. After all isn’t that what a loving wife does. I was trying to do all the things I thought was right. So many wrong choices! I found out I had cervical cancer and began treatments. They were ineffective so I had a hysterectomy in 1979. I was 25.

We were assigned to Italy. I was so excited! I knew this was going to be the “dream come true” assignment!!! He went over first. We were apart almost 5 months when he found a house and I finally got there! What a nightmare! Within 24 hours of my arrival I found out about an unknown affair in Arizona, the new one in Italy (I was a day early and he had a date that night) and my son fell out a window and was rushed to the emergency room for 7 stitches. I spent my first night in paradise drunk and left alone. A sane person would have gotten back on the plane and left…but this was me. Once again I did what I thought a good wife was supposed to do. Besides Italy had great food, Sambuca, and Hash…Italy was a beautiful Country! I arrived in Italy weighing 110 lbs I left tipping the scales at 200. I blamed it on killer munchies!  

Each new assignment after that was more of the same except the TDYs got longer. We were always left behind. In 1995 I became very ill. During an ultrasound they found a tumor. The cancer was back. They took out the tumor and my gallbladder.  God spared me again and I still put a man above Him.

We spent a total of 26 years in the Military before he retired. Things got even worse after retirement. He got his first civilian job and quickly became a work-a-holic. We started a woodworking business to help us spend time together after his full time job. His brother fell on hard times so he took him on as a partner. Once again I was replaced. My health went downhill. I was diagnosed with Diabetes, lupus, fibromyalgia and bipolar disorder. They made a pill for all of it. I kept stuffing my feelings and my face. At 350 lbs I went in for gastric bypass. I lost down to 120 lbs. 

We were married 36 years when he finally found the love of his life…and it wasn’t me. I was lost after the divorce! I had dedicated my entire life to a man, to his dreams. I knew how to be Mrs. E, but I didn’t even know who Pam was anymore so I decided a move would fix everything. I flipped a coin heads FL tails AZ. I lived out of my car for six months. The party was on! I found two new men - Captain Morgan and Jose Cuervo. I was on a mission of destruction. All I wanted to do was die and I almost accomplished it in July 2008. I was behind the wheel, blacked out drunk and caused a major accident. By the Grace of God I was the only one injured. I broke my ankle in three places, eight ribs and had facial damage. My first DUI - what a doosey! I started going to AA and did some counseling. I was sober, but still empty. 362 days later I thought I had everything under control. Besides I wasn’t really an alcoholic…I never hid bottles, I didn’t drink every day, never missed work or was ever drunk at work…I was a social drinker. Socially unacceptable!! I got worse every day!!! My weight dropped below 90 lbs. I was totally out of control. Hello DUI #2. Then DUI #3. 5 days in a turtle suit and 6 months in Lee Co Jail. I finally hit rock bottom. 

That is when God was able to take my brokenness and start putting me back together in His design. God put all the right people in my life. I got much needed life coaching and AA meetings while in jail. I continued counseling and AA meetings when I was released, 90 meetings in 90 days, but the best was yet to come. I was led to Grace Community Center for Community Service. I started serving at the Thrift Store. That is where I found out about Celebrate Recovery. The first night I went to Celebrate Recovery I was overwhelmed! They were all so nice and I even got a free meal. Then we went into the sanctuary for what they called large group. The Worship Band played a song then this big burly biker dude came out! He welcomed us, prayed, then the Worship Band began to play again, oh my they all went Pentecostal on me!! I checked to make sure I knew where the nearest exit was if the snakes came out! 

That night was testimony night. I can’t even remember who it was but they started telling my story! To think someone else had lived through the same hell I had walked through! They had even been in Jail. That night I recommitted my life totally to Christ. Whatever it takes Lord I will give it!!! I want what these crazy people have!!! I started attending Celebrate Recovery every Tuesday and Friday Women’s Codependency on Tues and Women’s Abuse on Friday’s, a Women’s Twelve Steps for Christians Meeting on Wednesdays, An AA Drop the Rock Meeting on Thursdays. The layers of my onion started to peel. Some of those layers were stank! Some days the only way I made it was by taking it second by second. I attended Sunday and Wednesdays at Grace Central Campus. What an awesome place! It was like old home week I saw so many that I had spent time with in jail. All of us being changed and loved by God!!! I realized that everything I had been through was now being used for the Glory of God. The Bible declares emphatically that not one tear of his children falls to the ground. David said, “Put my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?” (Psalm 56:8). The tears of the godly are so precious to him, he preserves them. If God preserves my tears, will he not preserve me? That every test is now a testimony as it states in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 

I started volunteering anywhere and everywhere I was needed. I attended an Emmaus Walk and then a Kairos Outside Weekend. God doesn’t call the equipped; He equips the called. I soon realized, as I began to learn to understand and listen to God’s voice that everything I was doing wasn’t where God wanted me. I surrendered to God becoming His obedient servant. He led me to Celebrate Recovery, Kairos Outside, and prayer. He led me to Grace Cape Coral Campus! I use the gifts He gives where He sends me for His glory. Galatians 2:20 “I am not the one living now…it is Christ living in me. I still live in this body, but I live by faith in the Son of God. He is the one who loved me and gave Himself to save me”! I now realize I am a Princess, a chosen daughter of the One True King. The beauty of the gift God gives us is that it is for everyone. All you have to do is ask. Once you receive it it then is yours to give away. 

I would not trade the best day in my old life for my worst day now. God promised us beyond our wildest dreams.  In my whole life I have had lots of acquaintances, drinking buddies, and false friends. I prayed for God to bring me real friends. I have had one real friend my whole life until I went to Celebrate Recovery. As I looked around the room I saw Brothers and Sisters that are there for me no matter what. All I have to do is pick up the phone. Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." It is never too late to ask God for freedom from bondage. To release you from the prison you are living in. 

This October I will have 5 years alcohol and drug free!! God answers our prayers. Surrender to His perfect timing. Every day is new and beautiful. I am not perfect far from it, but I am better than I ever have been. I along with dear sisters we have recently completed a one year step study. Working the 12 steps along with the special people God chooses for us is so rewarding! I can’t put into words the bonds you make and the personal growth you achieve. This program works if you work it. Regardless of age! Never give up before the miracle happens!!! It will happen!!! All you have to do is take the first step. Reach out your hand and trust God!!!

Remember:

All things are possible through Jesus Christ.
To trust God is leading you exactly where you are meant to be.
To use the gifts you have received, and pass on the love you have been given.
That you are a COG-POW (a child of God person of worth)!         
Recovery is there for each and every one of you no matter your age or situation!
Enjoy God’s peace. Let His Presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, and be happy.